Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
this is an emotional support booty call
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
