This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
