Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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