I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
