You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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