Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
