When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
