Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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