After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
