Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
