so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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