Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
