he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
