my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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