I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
