twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
