I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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