We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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