I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We need to get me chipped asap
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
