I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
