How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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