It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
