Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
