Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
