I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
