I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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