Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
