My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
