Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
