i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
