I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
