I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
