Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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