apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
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It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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