Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
