If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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