You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
