i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize