college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
