my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
