im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
