I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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