Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
