Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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