I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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