my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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