Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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