She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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