Will you blow on my dice?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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