Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
