swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
