Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
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You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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