What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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