i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
