I accidentally had phone sex last night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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