I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You've changed since you got that strap on
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
