I'm sorry my penis didn't work
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
