thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
