So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
